Develop An Addiction Or Two: Whether you smoke yourself into a cancerous state, depend on pills, weed or alcohol to get you through the day or a party; be sure to consume these toxins habitually. This will help you fit in and dull your senses when having to deal with real human interaction. Better yet, try to mix pills and alcohol; this will make you and the people around you more interesting.
Eat Like Shit: Make the cheesesteak, coffee and the Tasty Cake staples in your diet. I hear they taste better after a night of binge drinking.
Dance: Dance because this will truly be your only form of exercise, other than promiscuous drunken sex.
Consume: When you’re not binge drinking or coked out until 5am, shop. Get your pre-cardiac arrest ass down to Walnut Street and buy the first thing you see in the windows at American Apparel, Urban Outfitters and H&M. Continue to feed “the man” and stay broke. Remember buy the first things you see, right in the front of the store, because other people will have these things and that will help you fit in. Buy that knockoff Pendleton flannel. What the fuck is a Pendleton anyway? Remember: FIT IN!! Purchase those leggings that everyone will be wearing at this month’s Making Time, you can pretend you like each other because you have something in common; leggings. Or grab that see-through lace shirt from American Apparel, everyone has it! Get it before they run out and have to restock and you have to wait an extra week to clone yourself. Plus, all the F class “celebrities” in Philadelphia will be wearing it in their magazine feature spread at the beginning of next month. This will make you look cool.
Pretend To Know Important People: This is key in making people in Philadelphia think you have value. Know someone who knows some rapper’s wife. Appear in pictures with that third party person or even the “celebrity” themselves. Get into a low budget music video. Befriend someone who once appeared in a video with an out of work rapper from the early 90’s. And if you can’t be real friends, find them on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. “Like” their photos, tweet at them: “Just saw @(insert drug addicted/living with parent artist here) kill it onstage. You are truly amazing and inspiring. Loved your Urban flannel btw. I have the same one we both paid $80 for it!!! Owww Oww.” Also, attend press conferences (if you’re not too hung over from last night’s weekly rager) for big events in Philadelphia. Try to give a pound to the most famous artist there. Pretend you’re very friendly with him or her, but secretly stir with jealousy behind his or her back.
Live With Your Parents: In the basement for good measure.
Throw Parties: And Tweet/Facebook/Instagram about them as much as possible. This will make people think you contribute something to the city and are cool. Eventually, someone will try to appear in a picture with you!
Become a DJ, party promoter, model or even a rapper: Tweet and update your facebook status about how you’re on your grind and how difficult it is to live “this life” from the kitchen of whatever restaurant you actually have to work at to pay your bills. Offer advice to others that truly believe you’re someone, publicly. Tweet at them; bestow your great knowledge and power on them.
Be promiscuous: Because who cares about self-respect these days anymore? Again, make sure it appears on Facebook/Twitter via pictures and cute little comments on each other’s pages, so when it ends as soon as it began, you and others will have a point of reference as to how many people you’ve slept with. Plus, this will give you and others something to talk about at parties and you’ll have something in common with other people; they’ve slept with the same person. You can even take it a step further and befriend the other vagina’s that have been slayed by the same penis! If nothing more, you’ll have more facebook pictures and friends because of the short-lived experience.
Don’t get a real job or try for an entry level position: Because you didn’t invest in your future anyway and you’ll probably die from your addiction (See “Develop An Addiction or Two”), most likely you can get an entry level position somewhere, part time. This way you’ll make just enough money to shop on Walnut (reference “Consume”), still have time to party and enough money to buy yourself drinks.
Or just sell drugs and run a blog/clothing line.
Never Leave: Rinse & Repeat
